All Silver Linings

Hello lovelies,

Long time no blog. As we all know, life gets in the way. Lately my life has been a series of continuous kicks in the face. My seemingly perfect relationship ended rather abrasively...(I lost a few close friends in that battle), I sadly lost two of my fur babies, and have been dealing with other family issues. Add to the mix my ongoing battle with depression and anxiety and you have a bloody nightmare.

My depression and anxiety have without a doubt been the worst they have ever been these last few months. After trying every dose going for the medication I was on at the time and adding extra anxiety medication, I finally put my foot down and saw a doctor who actually gave a fuck. During the appointment I didn't sugar-coat any of what I was experiencing. I, for the first time in months, was brutally honest with myself about just how much everything was affecting me.

He jumped right into action, creating a treatment plan for weaning me off my old meds, and starting me on a new class of drug that he hoped would actually work for me. His treatment plan included exercise, talking therapy and mindfulness. Bloody good doctor I think.

Coming off my old meds made me feel like I was actually going to die. If you've never stopped taking medication you are dependent on, you are lucky. It's along the same lines as going cold turkey from recreational drugs. I had hot and cold sweats, nausea, vomiting, cramps, joint aches... the list goes on.

Anyway, I'm veering rapidly off the course I had planned for this post.

The reason I wanted to write this was because, as a result of the shite time I've had lately, some super positive things have happened.

My closest friend Niall and his lovely girlfriend Emily sent me a little "Chin up" care package. The gift was really unexpected and so sweet. It was a little print with a positive message on, and a cute little pocket mirror designed by Anya Raczka. (Her instagram is Anya Raczka and her Etsy is anyaraczka.etsy.com if you want to check out her stuff. She's a very talented Sheffield-based artist.)

It was as I read the cute “feel less shit soon” note that Niall wrote to me that I had a really odd and quite out there thought...

Depression is the best blessing in my life.

I know that statement sounds bloody bonkers, but I really feel more and more that it is true.

When I look back at all the years I struggled with my depression throughout school and college I notice all the positive things it's lead me to. It all lead me to the place I am now.

Yes, University and my job add horrendous stress onto my mind and at least once a week I have a total meltdown where I want to quit it all and hibernate. Yes, it feels like I've accomplished nothing in life and that I'm always failing. Yes, it can make me miserable.

Yet my depression has given me the greatest gift and joy I have in my life. It's given me my friends and loved ones.

My mental health has plagued me for over half my life now, and these people I have 'collected' have stood by my side the entire time. It's weeded out those people who really weren't worth my time.

Yes, as it happened, I mourned the loss of their friendship - but looking back I see that they did nothing to enrich my life. Their negativity only dragged me down further.

The bottom line is this: Depression and Anxiety absolutely fucking suck. It's shit and I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy.

But, and it's a big but - the effect depression has on those around you has brought me to the point where I'm really proud of all the people I'm privileged to call my friends.

They're the tits and every single one of them is a beautiful human being and without realising it they've changed my life completely.

And that makes me pretty damn happy.

That's all for this weird insight into my life.

See you soon

Iona xo

How Am I This Old Already?

Hello my Lovelies,

As of today it is 3 sleeps until my 21st Birthday. THREE DAYS!!!

Part of me is ridiculously scared at the thought of being an official adult in every country in the world. I feel like I should automatically become much more sophisticated and responsible. Yet somehow I very much doubt that will be the case despite asking for a Rotary watch and a handbag......
Yes a real handbag!!

I always feel bad asking for presents worrying I'm asking for far too much. However society has mad become 21 this huge milestone birthday. Therefor it would be rude for me not to embrace it.

My best guy Niall is full on treating me and will be visiting from Thursday through til Sunday.

I shall be writing about our many adventures in London maybe even making a 'Day in The Life of' vlog for my Youtube.

My parents, sister and her boyfriend are also visiting, They've booked in at a nice hotel just outside Brighton and there is no way they would all fit in this little student house.

I'm just feeling really loved by how many caring and kind people I have around me. My home town is around 250 miles away from Brighton and it amazes me.

As usual in life there have been ups and downs recently with the stress and pressure of Uni work and exams becoming more real. Which is why my birthday being in January is both a blessing and a curse. My exams start 3 days after my birthday so I can have one last blow out to get rid of any stress and be refreshed for exams but also some people have finished them this week so they can celebrate finishing them by a good old party.

I've come a long way in a year. This time last year my depression was really bad, I'd quit my job, I had no money and was really struggling to stay positive at college. Now I have a job, I'm at uni I'm settling in making friends and joined my local Roller Derby team. Heck I've even been on my first date!!!! I never thought I'd be saying that.

I guess what I've come to realise is that shit really does get better. The cliches are cliches because they're true. So much can change in the space of a year. Remaining positive and working hard is the only way it will change for the better.

It's funny but the threat of turning 21 is making me feel all mature and like I have a new outlook on life. This disturbs me greatly so I'm off to have ice cream for breakfast and watch Adventure time.

Iona xoxo

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas.....

Hello my Lovelies,
As I begin to write this post is is just 3 days till I finally get to go home. I have my shift today in about 9 hours (it's 2 am) then two days off then my shift on Christmas eve!!! After that I am free!

My train home is at 17:04 so I'm sure I shall write some sort of post then to make use of my time.

The past few days have been hectic so I'm continuing this post while on the train home.

The day has been one disaster after another. Rude customers at work, having to fight the queues to get my tickets for the train and then the train itself.

My first train from Brighton was, in usual British fashion, horrifically delayed. Normally I wouldn't mind but since I then missed my second train due to that delay I was rather miffed.

Therefore I am currently on the hour later train and having been up since 5:45am and it is now 21:09 The tiredness has well and truly set in.

Cliched as it may seem we are all culprits of end of year evaluations and reflections. Having been through many ups and downs in relationships of all forms this year I've been thinking on how we meet the people who genuinely matter and stick around in our lives.

Many will say through existing friends, work or education. I personally disagree. I find the best way you meet those who matter can be the most obscure and random.

Today on the first stint of my journey from London I met a guy and a girl who I clicked so well with, it was as if we are already friends. Yes I am aware that I'm piling on the cliches here.

Yet it's true. We had a wonderful chat and it made the tedious train journey all the more fun.

Is there a conventional way in which to meet people. Is there an acceptable forum upon which to make friends. In the digital age where finding future partners on dating sites and apps why is it seen as odd to make friends with people on trains. Yes the window  of interaction is short but you are meeting a real person. This enables you to gauge body language, idiolects, temperament and a great many number of things that are easily hidden on the internet.

People seem much more detached from actual human interaction content with mere screen to screen contact. I know people that go days without actually talking to another human being. It's that the scariest thought.

People go on and on about books and journalism being dying forms or communication yet the death of physical human interaction is being completely overlooked.
Being able to catch up with friends and family over the festive season is my favourite thing which is why every moment I'm not working this holiday I'm going to spend my time on the trains getting back home.

I've loved every moment of Christmas so far and have gotten so many thoughtful and amazing gifts I feel truly loved and blessed to have such amazing friends and family.

I hope all you lovelies have had a magical Christmas with those you love.

Iona xoxo

It's A Boy Girl Thing

Hello Lovelies,

As I have explained countless times I am currently studying at Brighton university, to those who know me or have already read my blogs this will be old and boring news. To you newbies I'm just bringing you up to speed.

In my last post I touched somewhat briefly upon relationships I had developed with classmates and housemates. Therefore I decided to continue upon that theme for this post. Be warned there is content in this post relating to sex and whatnot.

I'm sure you like me will have had some wild fantasy that University would come filled to the brim with kind, gentle and honest young men with very pure intentions. Many of my friends who went to uni at 18 have all found amazing boyfriends or girlfriends and are very much in happy long term relationships. 

Some of these friends much like me had no romantic relationships through out school so it was a very exciting prospect. Luckily none of my friends to my knowledge were lead on and used by anyone. Some found solid relationships and other enjoyed a more casual attachment. Neither is better than the other it's all down to personal preference and needs at that current time.

I would like to take a moment here to blame teen movies that portray University life as either finding your one true love on day one or as one massive orgy where there are no repercussions to sexual promiscuity (which I note that there shouldn't be).

As someone who has never been on a date let alone in a relationship I'm not overly comfortable with the whole casual sex thing. However not everyone else seems to get that.

I recently had my drink spiked in a night club which scares me for two reasons; one - someone wanted to take advantage of my vulnerable state for sexual gain or two - they thought it was a funny prank. 

Neither option restores my faith in humanity.

I'm realising more and more as my time at Uni goes on that people expect a level of sexual maturity among their peers. I'm currently 20 which is two years older than your stereotypical fresher, yet at 18 I couldn't imagine being as sexually active as a handful of freshers I've seen.

I know not all freshers are horny teens. However I'm beginning to feel as though it is what is expected. 

Maybe I'm just not meeting the right kind of people but I feel as though it's a bloody miracle that even one of my friends found a meaningful relationship let alone most of them.

I know I'm wildly generalising here based on my limited view on the situation based only on what I have personally experienced. Yet as far as I can see it's the truth.

I may very soon be taking all this back and see things in a very different way. I personally hope it happens sooner rather than later.

I find something that doesn't help is the stigma with the word 'Relationship'.
Having never had one myself I am by no means an expert in them, however I get the sense the word puts the fear of god into guys.

I'm constantly perplexed as to why the term makes boys run a mile. Is a relationship so bad? Do they genuinely think a relationship requires any extra effort then regular casual sex?

Maybe I'm just not cut out to be wanted for anything that requires the lights being on and conversation with real substance to it. Yes I am re-accounting my own somewhat embarrassing encounters here but I don't really have anywhere else to draw perspective from without having some rather awkward conversations with my friends.

Before posting this I did have a conversation with my friend Christy about this very topic. It was a good giggle and put my mind at ease. She says she would totally date me. Huzzah

We've all had those awkward drunken kisses and fumbles and that's all well and good. But is sex the be all and end all.

Maybe I just need to buck up my ideas, lie back and think of England. Or be patient and keep waiting and hope I one day be dateable.

Hopefully not before my best before date.

Haha I'm so very funny

Take care all more deep and exciting thought to come your way.

Iona xoxo

Great Expectations?

I don't really recall what expectations I had of University life. I can safely say they definitely weren't half of what I have experienced.

The first few weeks of living in Brighton were a blur. Non of it feels real. I was completely overwhelmed by the change without even realising it. I just kept bobbing along in what I call my honeymoon phase with Brighton.

Everything seemed to be falling into place perfectly. I had an amazing house, wicked housemates and was going to be getting a job at Lush. I had hit the trifecta of Uni life as far as I was concerned. The first of my bubbles was burst when my Coconut allergy was clearly much more severe then I had believed it was. Severe to the point that working in Lush would result in an almost constant state of  Anaphylaxis . Needless to say both myself and the manager decided it was safer to not progress with my trial shift. she was so sweet and gave me a hug as I cried and some free face masks to thank me for all the time and effort I put in. 

I left the shop feeling devistated and like everything was going to the crapper. 

My mother and fairy godmother were both very comforting and the yummy cake they bought me certainly helped heal the heart break. 

I remained positive and kept on looking for jobs in places I also loved. 

I suffer from the condition biggious boobus so finding bras that actually fit me is a challenge. Pretty much the only place I can find pretty non granny bras in my size is at a shop called Boux Avenue. And huzzah a job was going and I now work there and have super lovely work pals!!! 

Disaster one had finally be neutralized. 

Disaster two came as a massive shock. 

I've been relatively lucky in my life with friends and those I have around me in my life. I've had a few friends turn on me and become my most severe bullies but luckily I had amazing friends to stand by me. Moving to uni was scary because I had no friends around me and was starting afresh. Yet this was also exciting and gave me hope. People always say you make your best friends in life at uni. 

As I mentioned in previous blogs I was lucky enough to find four amazing girls to live with. We all liked similar things and had similar levels of maturity. One girl E who I meet for the house hunting in August was really lovely. We got on really well and I took her under my wing. I helped her move her furniture around by myself, lent her money, dyed her hair, did her make up and let her sleep in my bed when she felt really home sick. One day she suddenly turned.

That day I got a phone call from our letting agent saying her and her parents had phoned to report that the rest of us were bullying her. She felt segregated from the group and we were phasing her out. This came as a huge shock. We tried to resolve it as adults but that wasn't in her range of capabilities. 

Her mother even got my number phoned me up and threatened me down the phone. 

The whole night was terrifying and her mother even called the police on us as E claimed to feel unsafe. 

After her mother threatened me I went into total meltdown and had a massive panic attack.

This girl who I had helped so much and given my friendship to completely was throwing it back in all of our faces and putting us through hell. 

As horrible as the situation was the girls and I only grew closer. We all have a really open and honest relationship, telling each other about every annoyance so nothing boils up. 

I learnt a lot about the adult world through the situation no longer being so naïve about the character of people. The internet only gibes you a snapshot of a Pearson's true character and she well and truly blinded all of us. 

As you can imagine my start to university was no where near my expectations. 

Thankfully life can only get better and boy has it. Life is amazing, I've made great friends at work and on  my course. I went to an ADTR gig and made some friend from the local area. Had a cheecky kiss with a guy, had some silly drunken nights out and hilarious kitchen parties in the house. We have a new housemate moving in who I was friends with at Uni and she is so lovely. 

I guess what Uni has already taught me in such a short space of time is that life always throws you a curve ball but you can get though the shit and emerge smelling fresh as a daisy. 

If this is what the first two months are like the next 4 years will be an adventure and a half. 

Be wise and make good choices guys

Iona xoxo