Hello lovelies,
Long time no blog. As we all know, life gets in the way. Lately my life has been a series of continuous kicks in the face. My seemingly perfect relationship ended rather abrasively...(I lost a few close friends in that battle), I sadly lost two of my fur babies, and have been dealing with other family issues. Add to the mix my ongoing battle with depression and anxiety and you have a bloody nightmare.
My depression and anxiety have without a doubt been the worst they have ever been these last few months. After trying every dose going for the medication I was on at the time and adding extra anxiety medication, I finally put my foot down and saw a doctor who actually gave a fuck. During the appointment I didn't sugar-coat any of what I was experiencing. I, for the first time in months, was brutally honest with myself about just how much everything was affecting me.
He jumped right into action, creating a treatment plan for weaning me off my old meds, and starting me on a new class of drug that he hoped would actually work for me. His treatment plan included exercise, talking therapy and mindfulness. Bloody good doctor I think.
Coming off my old meds made me feel like I was actually going to die. If you've never stopped taking medication you are dependent on, you are lucky. It's along the same lines as going cold turkey from recreational drugs. I had hot and cold sweats, nausea, vomiting, cramps, joint aches... the list goes on.
Anyway, I'm veering rapidly off the course I had planned for this post.
The reason I wanted to write this was because, as a result of the shite time I've had lately, some super positive things have happened.
My closest friend Niall and his lovely girlfriend Emily sent me a little "Chin up" care package. The gift was really unexpected and so sweet. It was a little print with a positive message on, and a cute little pocket mirror designed by Anya Raczka. (Her instagram is Anya Raczka and her Etsy is anyaraczka.etsy.com if you want to check out her stuff. She's a very talented Sheffield-based artist.)
It was as I read the cute “feel less shit soon” note that Niall wrote to me that I had a really odd and quite out there thought...
Depression is the best blessing in my life.
I know that statement sounds bloody bonkers, but I really feel more and more that it is true.
When I look back at all the years I struggled with my depression throughout school and college I notice all the positive things it's lead me to. It all lead me to the place I am now.
Yes, University and my job add horrendous stress onto my mind and at least once a week I have a total meltdown where I want to quit it all and hibernate. Yes, it feels like I've accomplished nothing in life and that I'm always failing. Yes, it can make me miserable.
Yet my depression has given me the greatest gift and joy I have in my life. It's given me my friends and loved ones.
My mental health has plagued me for over half my life now, and these people I have 'collected' have stood by my side the entire time. It's weeded out those people who really weren't worth my time.
Yes, as it happened, I mourned the loss of their friendship - but looking back I see that they did nothing to enrich my life. Their negativity only dragged me down further.
The bottom line is this: Depression and Anxiety absolutely fucking suck. It's shit and I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy.
But, and it's a big but - the effect depression has on those around you has brought me to the point where I'm really proud of all the people I'm privileged to call my friends.
They're the tits and every single one of them is a beautiful human being and without realising it they've changed my life completely.
And that makes me pretty damn happy.
That's all for this weird insight into my life.
See you soon
Iona xo
