All Silver Linings

Hello lovelies,

Long time no blog. As we all know, life gets in the way. Lately my life has been a series of continuous kicks in the face. My seemingly perfect relationship ended rather abrasively...(I lost a few close friends in that battle), I sadly lost two of my fur babies, and have been dealing with other family issues. Add to the mix my ongoing battle with depression and anxiety and you have a bloody nightmare.

My depression and anxiety have without a doubt been the worst they have ever been these last few months. After trying every dose going for the medication I was on at the time and adding extra anxiety medication, I finally put my foot down and saw a doctor who actually gave a fuck. During the appointment I didn't sugar-coat any of what I was experiencing. I, for the first time in months, was brutally honest with myself about just how much everything was affecting me.

He jumped right into action, creating a treatment plan for weaning me off my old meds, and starting me on a new class of drug that he hoped would actually work for me. His treatment plan included exercise, talking therapy and mindfulness. Bloody good doctor I think.

Coming off my old meds made me feel like I was actually going to die. If you've never stopped taking medication you are dependent on, you are lucky. It's along the same lines as going cold turkey from recreational drugs. I had hot and cold sweats, nausea, vomiting, cramps, joint aches... the list goes on.

Anyway, I'm veering rapidly off the course I had planned for this post.

The reason I wanted to write this was because, as a result of the shite time I've had lately, some super positive things have happened.

My closest friend Niall and his lovely girlfriend Emily sent me a little "Chin up" care package. The gift was really unexpected and so sweet. It was a little print with a positive message on, and a cute little pocket mirror designed by Anya Raczka. (Her instagram is Anya Raczka and her Etsy is anyaraczka.etsy.com if you want to check out her stuff. She's a very talented Sheffield-based artist.)

It was as I read the cute “feel less shit soon” note that Niall wrote to me that I had a really odd and quite out there thought...

Depression is the best blessing in my life.

I know that statement sounds bloody bonkers, but I really feel more and more that it is true.

When I look back at all the years I struggled with my depression throughout school and college I notice all the positive things it's lead me to. It all lead me to the place I am now.

Yes, University and my job add horrendous stress onto my mind and at least once a week I have a total meltdown where I want to quit it all and hibernate. Yes, it feels like I've accomplished nothing in life and that I'm always failing. Yes, it can make me miserable.

Yet my depression has given me the greatest gift and joy I have in my life. It's given me my friends and loved ones.

My mental health has plagued me for over half my life now, and these people I have 'collected' have stood by my side the entire time. It's weeded out those people who really weren't worth my time.

Yes, as it happened, I mourned the loss of their friendship - but looking back I see that they did nothing to enrich my life. Their negativity only dragged me down further.

The bottom line is this: Depression and Anxiety absolutely fucking suck. It's shit and I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy.

But, and it's a big but - the effect depression has on those around you has brought me to the point where I'm really proud of all the people I'm privileged to call my friends.

They're the tits and every single one of them is a beautiful human being and without realising it they've changed my life completely.

And that makes me pretty damn happy.

That's all for this weird insight into my life.

See you soon

Iona xo

My Breast Cancer Scare

There is not a person on this planet that has not be touched by cancer, whether is be a relative, friend, colleague or neighbour. 

I myself have had several family members and friends who have had cancer sadly not all have them have made it. 

I've always been one to be as informed as I can be about my own risks from health issues. Yes I may be a bit on the curvy side but I don't think I live an unhealthy life. 

I don't; 

- Drink

-Smoke

-Eat meat

-Have dairy

-Do drugs

-Have a high fat diet

I like to think I avoid as much unhealthy crap as I can. As I write this I'm nomming on some dried cranberries. See I can do healthy.

Last October I noticed a sizable change in the size of my right breast. For those of you who don't know I am a professionally trained bra fitter. I know that size change can be related to natural hormonal changes due to menstruation. Therefore I didn't really give it much thought. Over the following months I noticed more changes my right breast felt much more solid and sore, it had no connection with my monthly period. 

Late December my breast became more painful and swollen, I noticed a rash and redness on my breast also. On my 22nd birthday in January I couldn't ignore the issue any longer, I spoke to my Aunt about her symptoms and warning signs of her Breast cancer. I made an appointment with my doctor and I felt physically sick. 

My beautiful and loving housemates also offered to be be with me  but I'm sure the doctors room couldn't fit all 6 of us in. 

When we went to the appointment my Doctor asked me about my breast health history and family history with cancer. After an breast examination he decided it was best to refer me the Breast Clinic here in Brighton for further investigation due to my breast having a marbled feel. 

My heart stopped. This was not how I expected it to go. I was hoping to be told I was being silly and it was just hormones or mastitis. The rash however was Pityriosis Rosea. I was told that I would be seen at the clinic within two weeks. 

The next two weeks of waiting for my appointment letter were horrific. I felt like I had a dark cloud looming over me and I was a ticking cancer time bomb. On the  17th day after my appointment with the doctor my anxiety levels were through the roof, I know that my exam performance had suffered as a result and I felt betrayed by my body that intimacy with with my then boyfriend was a huge no no. We barely even kissed. I decided enough was enough and I phoned the breast clinic. The lady told me my appointment had been sent out that very day because the Doctor had only just referred me through to them. 

Two weeks my Doctor had waited before he sent my referral letter. Two weeks!!

I was fuming, how could a Doctor be so cavalier about an issue as serious as Cancer?!

Nine days later I went to the clinic for my appointment. My then boyfriend wasn't  with me as he had flu and was throwing up all over the place so I went on my own. All the other ladies were much older than me and all had a friend or partner with them. I felt so alone and terrified. The clinics appointments were running an hour behind so it felt like I was waiting days to be seen. 

Finally a lovely lady came for me and we went through to the consultation room. Like my Doctor she asked me for a detailed history of what lead me to being referred and for my family history, we then went through for an examination. She was so lovely and kind she could tell I was scared so she distracted m with general chatter and commented on my hair colour how she loved the purple. After everything was checked and done we met again in the consultation room and she said that I was in the clear. 

There were no signs of cancer, due to my rather bad acne on my chest I had some deep cysts in the breast tissue one of which had become inflamed and infected. The breast growth was due to hormones and sadly I would have to become accustom to have double F boobs. 

I just lept up and hugged her there and then. I felt like I could actually breath again and the dark cloud was gone. She told me that once I turned 40 I would need regular mammograms, I had to be more vigilant with my breast checks and if I noticed a change in the future not to leave it four months before going to the doctor as I am high risk for Breast cancer in the future.

At 22 facing the possibility of breast cancer is terrifying. At any age it is terrifying. I was lucky I had support from my loved ones. I was lucky that I didn't have cancer. I was foolish in not taking the changes in my breasts seriously and leaving it so long. If I did have cancer those 4 months I waited would have made a huge difference in my fight. 

Please ladies and gents, check your breasts, go to the Doctor as soon as you notice anything. 

15976660403545https://www.breastcancercare.org.uk/15976660

403545

If you have any concerns go to the website above. It was a huge help to me. Keep yourself informed and keep yourself safe.

Thanks for reading this long long story my lovelies

Iona xo

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